Bridges of Death Loom Over Me

Fuck Interchanges

Deep in the heart of Texas, and deep in the recesses of my brain where my biggest fears fester, lies the dread of driving on these giant highway bridges. Look at this shit.

Like why are these so damn high up?!

My hands are sweaty just thinking about it, and when I actually have to drive up these God forsaken things Mom’s spaghetti wants to make a mad evacuation out my rear. Too much information, but these are too much for me. I guess it doesn’t help that I live in a small town in central Texas and I don’t regularly have to drive them. But damn the days when I have to.

I learned the part of our brain that’s burdened with our fears is the amygdala. Poor thing. I feel like this “small, almond-shaped structure” has a whole lot to deal with, so naturally I think it would need its own form of government. Each major fear I live with is part of the prestigious nobility that rules over significant chunks of the Fear Almond (what I’m calling my amygdala). Interchanges rule proudly over a huge area in mine, and it has the best view from way up high.

The tallest ones are in a jumbled network called The High Five in Dallas, Texas where the king looms at 120ft high. That’s the same as a 12-story building and only 30ft shorter than Sea World’s thrilling Steel Eel ride. I used to love that ride when I was young and dumb and didn’t have so much to live for. Now I grip the steering wheel with all my might zooming up the interchange, cursing out the engineers who birthed theses monstrosities, rollercoasters and death-bridges alike.

I am afraid of heights, but these things elicit way more scary feelings than a rollercoaster or being on a rooftop patio. You are operating heavy machinery going fast as fuck and even as you slow down a bit anticipating the climb up, you must be mindful of not slowing down too much because you’ll get stuck or have some jackoffs zoom past you or ride your ass. All that pressure plus, as in my usual case, you are on your way to the airport or to a Big Time Rush concert. ¡Ándale!

These interchanges are legit colonoscopy preppers. Seriously. The U.S. Surgeon General recommends polyethylene glycol-electrolyte solution, Taco Bell, or driving on some Texas interchanges the day before that procedure. I don’t think anyone has dared to do all three from that unholy trinity, but Lord be with those doctors should it ever happen.

Anyways, I hate them. Upon doing some stomach turning research, I found that these are sometimes referred to as “interchange flyovers” and, in a way, its an appropriate name. They are meant to cut down traffic, so you just flyover all the mess down below as Texas cities keep getting bigger. Did you know that Texas has 4 of the top 10 U.S. cities by population?

From Britanica.com

Oh lord, those monolithic columns are going to just keep sprouting from the bedrock of this great state. More flyovers.

Flyover is also what it feels like might happen if I don’t drive perfectly up those things. It is literally the only thing I think about as my foot has to manage easing on the gas while it trembles nervously. My sweet wife is also terrified of them, so as we see one approaching in the Texas sky from 10-15-20 miles away, we get pretty quiet. If we are lucky some Taylor Swift is playing on our playlist and I admittedly feel a bit more courageous. When it registers that we’ve gotten over the crest of the interchange and all that is left is to ease down into a main route merge, there is always a nervous laughter that fills the cabin. “Ha ha we almost died.”

If you happen to have the misfortune of driving on a Texas interchange or similar roads please leave a comment. I bet I’m not the only one who is scared of them. This is a safe place for the trauma ridden drivers. If perhaps by some ungodly reason you love cruising on the interchanges please enlighten me on your experience. I need to understand you daredevils.